Deicide
by Laora
Summary: Aizen has prepared a defense for every type of assault imaginable...except one.


Everyone's favorite lesbian, Chizuru, was not happy at all. She had been dumped unceremoniously on the ground behind some large bushes. There were thorns, and she had dirt in her hair.

"What's wrong?" Asano Keigo's voice caught her attention. He was speaking frantically to the so-called invincible Arisawa Tatsuki, who was collapsed on the ground several feet away.

"What…the…hell…" she said, not answering the question and looking up at something Chizuru could not see.

"I'm surprised you're still alive this close," a voice said, sounding rather amused. It came from Chizuru's right, and she turned in that direction, hoping to see the speaker.

Luckily for her, someone came into her peephole's view. A man with silver hair stood with his back to Chizuru, facing Arisawa and Asano.

"Who…are…you…?" Arisawa's strangled voice asked. He did not answer immediately.

"Kurosaki Ichigo will show up here eventually with a new power," the silver-haired man seemed to say. "Your deaths will help that power get even closer to perfection."

Chizuru felt vaguely terrified at the mention of their deaths, but then another figure walked into her line of sight. Her brain promptly ceased to function.

Only her back was visible, but Chizuru found that to be more than enough. With her long, flowing brown hair that nearly reached her perfectly sculpted legs, the woman only feet away from Chizuru may have been even more beautiful than her beloved 'Hime!

Her newfound goddess had not spoken yet, but the red-haired girl was sure her voice would be like that of an angel. She thought briefly that she just might become religious if things between her and her new lover worked out. Someone like her could only be sent by some higher being, right?

But, Chizuru reminded herself, she was getting a bit carried away. She had not even introduced herself to her girlfriend yet. So, just as the nameless beauty pulled out a katana and held it out toward Arisawa and Asano—_Kinky!_ Chizuru thought, _I'm sure I could find some uses for that—_she jumped out of the bushes and threw herself at the back of the goddess in front of her.

Her girlfriend stopped lifting her sword. The first thing Chizuru realized about her was that she was rather…flat. But the lesbian was all right with that—her gorgeous, silky, moisturized hair made up for it in spades.

"What—" a voice came from her goddess' perfect mouth. It was definitely masculine. But that was all right with Chizuru as well—maybe that was the way she showed her undying affection for her true love.

The silver-haired man, Arisawa, and Asano all stared at Chizuru, who was firmly attached to the woman's back, doing what she did best. Her two classmates looked very confused when Chizuru glanced up, and the older man looked faintly amused.

"What—the—hell—" her goddess said, sounding rather agitated. Chizuru was undaunted; she would introduce her lovely brunette to the wonders of her love soon enough. "Gin—help—"

The man's creepy grin widened just a bit. "Aizen-taicho, surely you can take care of a single human girl?"

_Human girl?_ So her love really was a goddess after all! Her voice was still confusing Chizuru, though—it was decidedly manly. _Maybe she's sick,_ she decided finally, still attached firmly to her lover's back and expressing her love. _I'm sure it usually sounds beautiful._

Aizen—Chizuru would have to ask for her first name later—made a funny gurgling noise and fell flat on her face. Chizuru landed next to her. "Aizen-chan!" she said, alarmed. Had her advances been too much for her beloved? Should she have moved a bit slower? "Aizen-chan, wake up!"

Her classmates looked vaguely horrified. The squinty-eyed man a few feet away sighed and shook his head. "Dear, dear…I told him to put up _ev'ry_ defense. Even if I thought it'd be Hinamori-fuk'taicho who'd do that…"

"Aizen-chan!" Chizuru was getting alarmed now. Her goddess was not moving, and nobody was helping her. Arisawa was getting to her feet.

Aizen-chan was not breathing.

"Noooooooooo!"

* * *

Kurosaki Ichigo was ready.

After fighting Tensa Zangetsu in an intense battle in his inner world, he had learned the final Getsuga Tensho. It could supposedly stand a chance against the ruthless, nearly invincible Aizen Sousuke.

He and his father stepped out of the Senkaimon, zanpakutos at the ready. The older man's aim was true; the two were just outside Karakura Town. A feminine scream tore through the air, and Ichigo vaguely recognized the voice as Chizuru's. He and his father shared a glance before shunpo-ing to the source of the noise.

The first thing Ichigo saw was Ichimaru Gin—creepy-as-hell grin in place as always—with Tatsuki and Keigo. "Are you all right?" he asked his friends urgently, sending a furtive glance toward the former Shinigami. _Where's Aizen?_

"We're fine," Keigo said. He seemed to be in a daze. "Poor guy didn't know what hit him."

"Who are you—" Ichigo stopped cold when he saw the two figures to his left. The familiar red head of Honsho Chizuru was bending over another all-too-familiar figure.

"What the hell…" he asked faintly.

"Sexual assault was Aizen-taicho's only weakness," Ichimaru said, looking rather cheerful for someone whose accomplice had died such a horrible death. "Yer friend over there figured that out pretty quick."

Isshin looked at Ichimaru strangely. "Aren't you going to attack us?"

"Nah," the silver-haired man said. "I never liked Aizen much anyway. He made fun o' my eyes."

There was a slight, awkward pause before Chizuru wailed again. "Aizen-chan! I'm so sorry! Come back to me!"

Ichigo shared a glance with his friends. "She does know that he's a _guy_, right?" Both of them shrugged, and Ichigo sighed.

"How are we going to explain this to Soul Society…?"

* * *

Half an hour and a trip through the Dangai later, all six of them, carrying Aizen's body, stood in the real world again. Those who had been in Hueco Mundo had returned, and everyone had been healed by Orihime and the Fourth Squad. Every Shinigami, Vaizard, and human was assembled in front of them, and every one of them was speechless after hearing the tale.

"So what you're saying," Yamamoto-sotaicho said finally, "is that this human girl did what eight captain-class Shinigami could not?"

"Basically, yeah," Ichigo said with his usual lack of respect.

"Who knew Aizen was such a wimp," Zaraki-taicho said loudly. Keigo cowered behind Ichigo when he saw the tall, intimidating man. "He couldn't even fight off one little girl…you could've taken him, Yachiru." The pink-haired girl nodded cheerfully from his shoulder.

"Of course I could've, Ken-chan! Except we were stuck with Clown-chan and Byakkun!"

"Why do you all keep calling Aizen-chan a guy?" Chizuru asked loudly, with even less respect than Ichigo. "It's pretty obvious she's a girl. Haven't you seen her hair?"

Hinamori fainted. Kyoraku laughed loudly, lifting up his repaired straw hat to get a better look at her. "Ah, we've got a lesbian! Lisa-chan, maybe you two should get to know each other~!"

The Vizard in question simply huffed. Chizuru looked offended. "I only wanted Aizen-chan! Why did you guys want to kill her, anyway?"

Everyone stared at her. "…He wanted to kill everyone. Including you," Hitsugaya said bluntly.

"Oh yeah? How do you know?"

Tatsuki huffed loudly, walked over to the body Isshin and Gin were carrying, and showed Chizuru his face. "This looks like a guy to me. Stop being stupid. He would have killed all of us if—"

Chizuru was not listening. She was staring at her beloved's face in horror. It was, unmistakably, the face of a man.

"Noooooooooooo!"


End file.
